


its own reward

by anaer



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Crack, Humor, Kidnapping, M/M, Strifehart Week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 08:17:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11870307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anaer/pseuds/anaer
Summary: Sephiroth was lounging on the couch, catching up on the latest episode of Chocobros Before Hos when it happened again.  Again being the important part because Sephiroth would just like it to be noted that this wasn’t the first time.  Or even the second, fourth, or eighty-fifth time.  This week.  So when he understandably snapped when he was just trying to go about his day, well, Cloud had no one to blame but himself.  And maybe a certain Squall Leonhart.Cloud's crush on Leon is ruining Sephiroth's life.  Sephiroth, Cloud's endlessly long suffering and eternally suffering darkness, takes it upon himself to fix this.  Before Cloud drives him even more crazy.Strifehart Week 2017: Day 2 - Canon AU





	its own reward

Sephiroth liked to think that, on the whole, he lived a fairly simple, peaceful existence.  Sure, there was the whole thing with Cloud and the constant stalking, and the non-stop battling, and the generally going out of his way to make the man’s life miserable, but that was a special case.  It was Cloud.  And, of course, there was also his whole “evil” shtick that had him attacking anyone, anywhere, whenever he felt like it, like that kid the Keyblade Master a while back.  But that was just part of his nature.  He was a creature of darkness, after all; he couldn’t help himself – and Cloud’s darkness, in particular, so anything bad he did was ultimately Cloud’s fault, really.  They were connected.  His moods were influenced by Cloud’s moods, and if Cloud would just accept that the reason he ran screaming away from that woman intent on being his “light” was because he actually quite enjoyed the darkness and would very much like to keep it, meaning he had no reason to bother Sephiroth and therefore Sephiroth had no reason to bother him, things would be better all-around for everyone.  Especially in Hollow Bastion.

Or, sorry, Radiant Garden, as they were calling it again these days.  The sky actually glittered.  It was disgusting. 

Thank all the gods that didn’t reach the Dark Depths.

Contrary to what the name might imply, this was actually the best area in the world.  Most people didn’t dare venture out this far, so Sephiroth could be content to be left alone among the last vestiges of darkness this world had.  Even Cloud had lately, though that probably had just as much to do with the fact that he’d been feeling particularly lazy these past few weeks and been leaving Cloud alone, too.  Then again, their last battle had been truly epic – one for the ages.  Epic enough that neither of them would feel up to fighting for at least another month.  Maybe even two, which was why Sephiroth was sitting at home relaxing, perfectly content to let sleeping Clouds lie.  Also, the Dark Depths were close enough that Sephiroth would know if Cloud were getting too comfortable so he could go upend his arch-nemesis’s life.  Again.  But Cloud had been anything but comfortable lately, and for once, it didn’t bring joy to the cockles of his black heart. 

Sephiroth was lounging on the couch, wrapped up in his soft, pink fleece robe with his long, beautiful, perfectly sculpted legs stretched out in front of him and silver hair tied up in a bun.  He felt content.  Even his wing was stretched out lazy and free as he sat munching on ice cream and catching up on the latest episode of _Chocobros Before Hos_ when it happened again.  _Again_ being the important part because Sephiroth would just like it to be noted that this wasn’t the first time.  Or even the second, fourth, or eighty-fifth time.  This week.  So when he understandably snapped when he was just trying to go about his day, well, Cloud had no one to blame but himself.  And maybe a certain Squall Leonhart.

So there he was, tub of ice cream in one hand, spoon in the other slowly approaching his mouth, and on the screen, the tiny, emotional blonde one whose name Sephiroth could never be assed to remember was crying having discovered Noctis’s secret affairs with both siblings, Ravus and Lunafreya (but not the thing with his arch-enemy Ardyn yet so as best to preserve the intrigue the soap opera dealt in) when a wave of heat welled up in him from the back of his mind, so sudden and intense that his whole body froze and his vision went blank.  The sharp clatter of the spoon hitting the ground snapped him back to himself, breathing hard – panting, really – as he peeled his eyes back open and glanced down.  He scowled.  There was a very noticeable tent in his robe that was immediately uncomfortable.  Then, he saw his ice cream spilled across the floor, and a low, angry growl started up in his chest.

“Cloud!” he swore angrily, swinging his legs down to the ground and pushing up to his feet.  He sucked in a deep breath, swaying slightly as his very soft robe interacted in a way he did not want with his new Cloud-induced problem then did his best to ignore the growing erection.  It was hard when barely had a few seconds passed before he was hit with another – something – of whatever Cloud was doing at the moment.

 _Masturbating_ , his mind sang when he nearly tripped after another rush.  His scowl grew.  He slumped back down to the couch, temporarily defeated, and shifted to try and move his robe a little more comfortably.  Maybe it was time to look into wearing underwear underneath it, he thought idly, and then grew irrationally angry.  No!  He would not be forced into wearing underwear in his own house! 

One hand groped blindly for the remote, and when he found it, he clicked the volume on the TV up until it was deafening, hoping to drown out what Cloud was inadvertently dropping into his mind.  At least, Sephiroth certainly hoped it was inadvertent.  If not they would have to have a very serious conversation about the nature of their relationship and how “enemies” in no way left room for any kind of subtext. 

The TV didn’t work.  It was hard to drown out something generated from his own mind, and now more than just the feelings, he was starting to get images, too, flashing through his mind in sharp, crystalline clarity.  Long brown hair tousled by work, lit brightly under the sun.  And then another, that obvious scar in distinct relief.  Cool, indifferent pale blue eyes narrowing into a glare.  That deep voice (but not as deep or rich or beautiful as Sephiroth’s own perfect tones), caustic in its disapproval, “If you’re just here to be a waste of space, then go fuck off somewhere else.  I don’t have time to babysit you today, Cloud.”  Seemed like someone was in a bad mood, but then, Sephiroth spoke from personal experience when he said Cloud had a way of bringing that out of a person.

Another – unfortunate – wave of pleasure sending heat to his groin, and Sephiroth dropped his head back down onto the back of the couch and groaned disheartenedly.  Why was this what Cloud was getting off to?  It wasn’t even sexy!  He didn’t even have the good decency to imagine the committee leader naked or – or tied up or even just eating a fucking popsicle at the very least, all things Sephiroth would’ve appreciated more than whatever this was.  Squall Leonhart was fairly easy on the eyes, after all.  But, no, Cloud couldn’t even be trusted to have reasonable fantasies.  Instead, Sephiroth was forced to sit here and endure this – this…torment…as Cloud got himself off to Leon not doing anything in particularly flattering, no.  Just griping at him, of all things.  Being generally annoyed and at the end of his rope with Cloud, a feeling Sephiroth could no doubt commiserate over.  All because Cloud had his head too far up his ass to just admit to the man in question that he wanted to bone. 

So, no, Sephiroth was not pleased with the discomfort Cloud had been in the past few weeks.

Another spike of pleasure and Sephiroth ground his teeth in frustration.  He was just trying to watch TV!  He’d missed the king coming clean to his big, burly, beautiful bodyguard friend about what was going on with Ravus! 

“Enough of this!” he shouted, springing to his feet.  He whipped his robe off dramatically and stormed naked into the bedroom.  Masamune, that beautiful long blade, shun from where she hung displayed against the wall, and he smiled eerily.  “If Cloud can’t handle this, I’ll fix it for him myself!”  The snarl echoed through the otherwise silent room, and he took another step forward only to pause.  He glanced down between his legs.  Then he shuffled awkwardly in the direction of the bathroom.  He could deal with Cloud’s problem after he dealt with his…Cloud problem.

~~~

Leon was being watched.  He’d been feeling it near nonstop for the past two days or so, but he hadn’t let on that he knew.  Cloud was around, after all, and these things tended to happen while Cloud was around.  Though the non-stop stalking was a little much.  Usually he took breaks, at least.

“What’s wrong?” Aerith asked, glancing up from her riveting conversation with Tron and catching sight of the contemplative scowl spread along Leon’s face.

“Cloud,” he replied simply.  Aerith’s eyes widened in understanding and then softened, crinkling around the edges as she began to laugh quietly. 

“Oh, you two.”  She shook her head.  Leon sighed. 

“It’s too much.  I don’t mind him around, but I’m going to have to talk to him about the stalking.  Again.”

“And we all know how much both of you hate talking.”

Exactly, he thought but didn’t say. 

“Tron and I have everything pretty well in hand for the moment if you wanted to go.  He said he was headed down to the Great Maw today to clear out some of the remaining heartless.  I think he just wanted to kill something, personally.”  The Great Maw?  So that was the lie he’d told, then?  And it had to be a lie because Leon could still feel the prickling on the back of his neck that came when Cloud was trying to follow him on the sly.  Not wanting to burst Aerith’s bubble, though, he just shrugged.

“Sure, whatever.”

“Have fun,” she giggled, and waved him off.  Leon threw up a hand in reply, shooting her a quick wave as he pulled out his sword and strolled towards the castle exit.  He’d find Cloud soon enough, he was sure, or Cloud would find him.  Sure enough, he’d barely set foot out of the castle – had only made it to the postern when the prickling on his neck intensified.  Leon huffed and glanced around the seemingly empty courtyard.

“I know you’re here, Cloud!” he called.  “Come out already.”

Nothing happened.  Leon waited a few more minutes, tapping one booted foot impatiently against the brown stone, but still.  Nothing.

“I can feel you watching me,” he added, crossing his arms across his chest.  He was willing to stand here and wait for as long as it took.  Leon was stubborn that way – more stubborn than Cloud, at any rate.  A noise sounded behind him, and Leon spun just in time to see a darkness portal form.  He raised an eyebrow.  Since when could Cloud create portals?  If he could, it wasn’t something he ever chose to do.

Although, the figure that emerged from the portal wasn’t actually Cloud, so maybe that explained it.  Or, well, he was Cloud in a roundabout way, just not the particular version of Cloud Leon was expecting or wanting.  He was demanding blonde spikes, not flowing silver locks, and sword wise, girth over length.

“You could feel me?” the man – being? – _Sephiroth_ answered lightly.  “That’s impressive.  I see why Cloud likes you.”

Logically, Leon knew Sephiroth was supposed to be scary, but right now he couldn’t bring himself to care.  One hand gripped the handle of his gunblade tight, more from irritation than anything else.  The last thing he needed today was Cloud’s ever-undying darkness. 

“Cloud is…otherwise indisposed.  I am the only one around.”  Sephiroth waited expectedly, shifting around more and more impatiently the longer the silence stretched between them.  Finally, the strain on his face seemed too much, and he pulled himself up to stand regally, attempting to tower over Leon.  He was taller, sure – too tall, Leon was inclined to think – but Leon wasn’t one to let himself be be towered over.  “Cloud has been remiss, it seems.  We haven’t officially met yet.  I’m Sephiroth—”

“I know who you are,” Leon cut in before things could go any further.  He didn’t know what this was about and quite frankly, he didn’t want to.  It was weird enough as it was.  “I don’t know where Cloud is.”  Leon wasn’t expecting the huff or the irritated eye roll. 

“Obviously,” Sephiroth scoffed.  “If he were here, I wouldn’t be right now.  Also, it’s rude to interrupt when people are talking.”  Glowing green eyes pinned a harsh glare onto his face.  Leon shook his head, disbelief thrumming through him.

“It’s also rude to stalk people, but that doesn’t seem to have stopped either Cloud or you.”  Leon could be just as irritated right back at him.  In fact, he had more of a right to be irritated right now, as far as he was concerned. 

Sephiroth pretended like Leon hadn’t said anything at all.  “No, I’m not here for Cloud,” he continued, his deep voice taking on an overly-dramatic tone that might have been meant to intimidate Leon if Leon were, say, twelve.  Not even twelve – he’d been much tougher than that tone would’ve affected when he was twelve. If he were one of those annoying ducklings, maybe.  Was this the tone he’d tried to use on Sora that time?  No wonder the Keyblade Master had laughed him off as a joke. 

Leon had had enough of this already.  He turned to leave when Sephiroth moved – a quick flurry of action slightly too fast for him to follow, and all of a sudden that freakishly long, thin blade was pointed in his direction, the tip standing mere centimeters from his chest.  Leon readjusted his grip on his gunblade. 

“I’m here for you.”  That caught him off guard, and without thinking, his grip loosened and he stood up straighter.   

“You’re what?”  Leon didn’t know if this was some kind of fucked up joke or what, but he wasn’t particularly in the mood to find out. Either way, it was getting less and less funny they longer it went on.  And on it went because he was completely taken aback by the words that next poured forth from the mouth of the man who was supposed to be the scariest guy on their world at the moment.  A pure paragon of darkness.

“Yes; I’m here for you.  Because you’re beautiful.”

“Because I’m – _what_?” he practically yelped, voice strangled as he stared at the one-winged angel in alarm.  Leon backed up a step, putting some more reasonable distance between himself and the man who he was slowly realizing was the actual one who’d been stalking him for days. 

This was still somehow Cloud’s fault; Leon knew it in his heart.  Cloud was going to pay for this.

For his part, Sephiroth’s green eyes blew hilariously wide as realization struck his face.  His mouth dropped open and he gaped, floundering for a second before a groan pushed its way out of his chest.  “Fuck!” he exclaimed.  “Fuck, I didn’t – no, you’re not!  By the gods, I don’t think that at all.  Ew.”

“Hey, you’re the one who just called me ‘beautiful’ out of nowhere, so I don’t think that ‘ew’ is justified!”

Sephiroth scowled.  “Yes, well – I didn’t mean it.  It accidentally slipped out and is in no way indicative of my actual opinion about you.  Ugh.  Why am I even bothering with this.”

Oh, that was rich.  Leon stepped back again, rolled his eyes, and nodded, infusing the movement alone with more sarcasm than Sephiroth had ever encountered from one person in his life – and Cloud’s baseline was sarcasm.  No wonder he was smitten. 

“Right,” he said.  “You – figure out what it is you want which I assume is bothering Cloud.   I have things to do.”  Like find Cloud himself and talk to him about this weird encounter and how much freakier his darkness was being than usual. He swerved on his heel to walk away, and that’s where Leon made the big mistake because as apathetic and generally annoyed as he was feeling about the embodiment of darkness behind him, in that split second he forgot one crucial thing:  Sephiroth was still dangerous.  Still, no way could Leon have predicted what happened next.  And given Sephiroth hit him over the head from behind, he didn’t even realise what happened until hours later when he woke up to find himself tied to a chair in an unfamiliar living room.  The TV was on, tuned to that god awful soap opera Cloud liked to watch in his free time, and across from it Sephiroth lay sprawled out on the couch in an even more awful robe with cream slathered all over his face. 

Leon only had one response to this:

“Well, shit.”

~~~

So, Sephiroth might have miscalculated.

“Hey.”

He really needed to get better at thinking before acting – it’s just, he was under a lot of pressure, lately, with this whole Cloud situation, and could he really be held accountable for accidentally overreacting and kidnapping Squall Leonhart?

“Stop ignoring me.”

He could not.  His actions were in no way his own fault.  If Leon wanted to blame anyone, he was more than welcome to blame Cloud.  He chanced a side glance back at his captive, careful not to turn his head.  The man in question was shifting around in his seat, tugging uselessly at the rope around him (Sephiroth mentally congratulated himself; he knew that knot tying class he’d gotten that coupon to last year would come in handy at some point) and glaring at the TV like it had personally killed his pet.  He looked…fantastic, with his hair getting all tousled, and Sephiroth felt a faint blush come over his cheek as his mind fuzzed over with a warm, happy feeling.  He turned back to the TV, and the spell was broken.

Gods, no.  He scowled.  Cloud was _ruining_ him.  He focused back on his show; that, at least, brought comfort.

“I’m serious.  You didn’t kidnap me to ignore me!”

Sephiroth picked up the remote and cranked up the volume on the TV.  He was so close to catching up now – he could worry about what to do with the man tied up in his living room (the precious love of Cloud’s life) after he finished the season.  There were three episodes left, and the tension was really beginning to crank up.  Ardyn, the dastardly, smug, but still weirdly attractive villain, had finally threatened Noctis that he would tell the big, beefy, tattooed hot one about their secret love affair if the king didn’t end things with the tiny, crying blonde.  He was so close to seducing him to evil!

“Sephiroth.”

Oh, no, Leon had said his _name_.  Angry as all hell, sure, but – it sounded so great coming from his mouth, in his distinctive baritone. A weird glee kicked up inside him, and Sephiroth wanted to scream.  Ruined!  And it was getting worse the longer he was in Leon’s company.  He was half tempted to just let the man go, but he felt like that would be admitting defeat.

“Fine.  Ignore me.” 

Leon fell into silence, then, and Sephiroth let out a breath of blessed relief.  He snuggled back into the couch, getting more comfortable, and almost managed to forget about the tied up man in the room.  Things on the show were getting good; it was so intense.  The king didn’t know what to do – whether to give in to his dastardly lover or dump him for his much sweeter one (Sephiroth was, of course, rooting for the bad guy).  And there was also political intrigue afoot!  The kingsguard didn’t like the new king that much – especially not when he was sleeping with half of their enemies, and it was causing much political unrest.  Sephiroth had no idea how all of this would be squashed.  He was leaning forward, completely absorbed in the drama when:

“Noctis ends things with Prompto, but Ardyn tells his bodyguard anyway, who stops talking to him as a result and leaves town, leaving him unprotected, and the season ends on a cliffhanger when Nyx leads the Kingsguard into a coup that the princess also gets caught up in, and just as the king and his fiancé are cornered, she tells Noctis she’s pregnant with his child.”  Sephiroth froze.  And then, even quieter, he heard, “I can’t believe even you watch this stupid, dumb show.” 

That couldn’t – couldn’t be right.  Except…on the screen.  Right now.  The king was ending things with the crying one, who was crying even more than usual.  Scene change.  Bad guy smirking menacingly.  And…

Oh, gods, no.  Sephiroth turned his head slowly to stare at Leon, his eyes wide and mouth dropped open in what could only be described as pure horror.

“You…you monster.  How could you?”

Leon stared back impassively, taunting him with his beautiful face.  No!  Not beautiful.  It wasn’t.  Especially not when he’d just…just…

“I’ve waited _three months for this_!” he shouted, jumping to his feet.

“Well, maybe next time you shouldn’t kidnap people and then ignore them.”

“WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!” Sephiroth shouted to the heavens.  His show:  it was ruined.  Just like his life and his reputation.  Water was welling up in his eyes.  This was the worst thing anyone had ever done to him – and Cloud had killed him.  Many times. 

“It’s a shit show, anyway,” Leon added, looking not in the least bit apologetic.

“Gods, you’re so vindictive!” he cried.  He could see it now, though.  Why Cloud liked this man.  They were both completely terrible, and Cloud clearly just wanted them to be completely terrible together. 

“Why did you kidnap me?” Leon asked, like he hadn’t just imploded Sephiroth’s whole life around him.  His favourite show:  spoiled.  He couldn’t even get any joy out of watching it now, not until the next season came out.  Lunafreya was pregnant?  Nyx, the hard-working and ever loyal soldier, leading a coup?  Why?

Fine.  If Leon wanted to ruin his life, Sephiroth could do the same in return.  Or at least ruin Cloud’s life, hopefully.  He hadn’t thought this through, and in hindsight this whole thing was turning into a terrible idea, but now.  Now he was just going to do what he should have done to start with.

He was just going to tell Leon the truth.  Any grand romantic schemes he might have been contemplating were officially out the window.

“Do you really want to know?”

Leon stared at him like he was stupid, and didn’t deign to answer the question with words. 

“Fine.  Fine!  You win.  Cloud likes you!”

Leon just blinked at him.  “And?  I mean…we’re friends,” he said slowly, drawing the word out like he was talking to a dunce. “Friends…tend to like each other.”  Sephiroth was not stupid; he knew what friends were.  He was just too good to have any himself.  Lesser men were beneath him.  Lesser women, too. 

He frowned.  Clearly the message hadn’t gone through. 

“No, you idiot,” he snapped.  “He _likes_ you.  Sexually.  Romantically.  Intimately.  Sexually, I say again, because this is a theme with him.  Wants to spend the rest of his pointless life with you!  Cloud’s in love with you!”

Leon blinked again, and then continued to stare at Sephiroth like he was stupid.  It almost set his heart aflutter again, except he resolutely held onto the anger.  He was going to hold on to himself and not let Cloud’s feelings influence brain anymore.  Squall Leonhart was the worst man he had ever met.  It would do to remember that.

“Well, obviously,” Leon finally said. 

And that was not what Sephiroth had expected in response.

“I’m sorry; what?”

“Did you think that was a secret?  Cloud is many things, but subtle is not one of them.”

“But – what?”  Sephiroth was flailing.  This was a new feeling for him; he wasn’t normally caught off balance like this by anyone.  Except, of course, Cloud, but…this wasn’t Cloud. 

“He literally stalks me,” Leon added, shrugging as much as he could tied to the chair as he was.

“And do you…not…return his feelings?”  This was a fall out he had not been prepared for.  How could he know?  Cloud didn’t know that he knew; that, Sephiroth was sure of.

Leon arched an eyebrow, his curiosity now piqued.  “Why do you care?”

“You want me to let you go?  Just answer the question.”

“Are you trying to hold me hostage?  Is that what this is?”  His arm tugged against rope like he wanted to gesture, and Sephiroth felt vindication flare in his chest at the ensuing glare Leon gave the ropes when he still couldn’t move.  “You know, if you want to be intimidating, I find that not wearing face cream tends to help.”  Shit, he’d forgotten he’d put the face cream on.

“Just answer the question,” he repeated.  Stress was growing in his chest, and Sephiroth more and more felt the urge to stab something.  Somehow, he felt like stabbing Leon, though, would end up being more trouble than it was worth.  Leon in general was ending up more trouble than he was worth. 

Leon was glaring at Sephiroth, now.  “Fine.  Whatever.  Yes, I like him, too.  Sometimes.  But he’s the dumbass who refuses to do anything about it, so I’m not saying anything if he won’t.”  And then, under his breath, “He’s so fucking annoying.”

And…what?  What sense did that make? What was wrong with him?  What was wrong with both of them?

“WHY ARE YOU BOTH LIKE THIS?!” he shouted to the ceiling.  It wasn’t just Cloud.  It wasn’t.  He held a good chunk of the blame for the ruination of Sephiroth’s life, at present, but it turned out that Cloud really had met his match in Leon.  They belonged together.  They really did.  There was no doubt in Sephiroth’s mind. 

“Don’t lump me in with that jackass.”

Leon was just as bad, maybe even worse.  At least Cloud wasn’t sure if Leon felt the same back.  All of Cloud’s frustration that kept leaking into his mind – all of it could have been solved weeks ago.  Hell, maybe even months ago! 

Sephiroth pulled in a deep breath and temped the violence down. 

“You’re both jackasses,” he said as evenly as possible.  “And you’re ruining my life.  But that’s fine.  I know what to do.”  And, in that moment, he finally did.  The answer had even come from Leon himself.

Sephiroth was going to ransom him.

~~~

This had been an exceptionally long day.  Cloud was glad, at the end of it, that it was finally time to sneak back home, making sure to stay away from everyone so they didn’t get the opportunity to bitch at him again for ditching the restoration project.  He didn’t know how many times he’d told them he could not give a shit about Radiant Garden.  Besides, there was only one person he was cool with bitching at him.

A soft smile came over Cloud’s face as Leon’s glaring face from this morning came to mind. 

Fuck, he was hopeless.  Cloud groaned, rubbing his hands over his face, and then pushed himself up to his feet.  He’d made good use of his day, bumming around the crystal fissure where no one would bother him, generally just mooning over Leon. 

It was all he did with his life right now.

Honestly, it was starting to get a little bit out of control.

“How do I stop?” he murmured to himself.  Just the thought of Leon got him shifting uncomfortably in his pants, and he’d already jerked off…more times than he was comfortable admitting today.  This was becoming a problem.  Curse his superhuman body. 

Well, if he was lucky, he’d get to see Leon again today.  He’d given the man the space he’d demanded today – let him work without interference – but now there was an insatiable itch inside of him that couldn’t be met. 

Although, speaking of insatiable itches….Cloud had been fighting off a weird tug at the back of his mind over the past hour or so.  It was Sephiroth; he could always feel the man haunting his head, but his darkness usually had a little more respect than this.  It hadn’t been that long since the last time he’d been vanquished; they were supposed to be in down time right now.  No fighting. 

“Why the hell won’t he leave me alone?” Cloud muttered as he walked back into town. He shut the door in his mind even tighter, mentally picturing a key turning in a lock.  He didn’t know if it actually helped any, but it always made him feel better.  Sometimes he pictured slamming a door, and Sephiroth’s stupid, feathery wing getting stuck in the way, too, making the man squawk indignantly while Cloud stood on the other side laughing.

Yeah.  Good times. 

A black feather drifted down from the sky, past his line of sight to rest on the ground in front of him.  Cloud frowned at it in confusion.  Another came down, then another, and Cloud barely caught the flicker of a shadow on the ground before he was swinging his sword out to block the attack.  Not well enough, because he ended up flying back anyway, his back hitting the rock wall hard.

“Shit!”

He brought his sword up, defensively, but Sephiroth – because it was, of course, Sephiroth, big surprise – just stood in front of him, a scowl on his face.

“The hell is your problem?” Cloud called at him.  “We’ve got at least another month before we’re fighting again!  Or did I not kick your ass well enough last time?”

Sephiroth huffed haughtily.  “You did not ‘kick my ass’, but that is a discussion for a different day.  No; I’m here because you have been very systematically _ruining my life_ , and I’m tired of it!  So.  It’s exceedingly simple, Cloud.  I have the love of your life.  _Leon_.”  Sephiroth sneered his name like Leon had done something to personally offend him.  Like he almost hated Leon more than he hated Cloud.  Cloud clamped down on the weirdly offended feeling that welled up inside of him and focused instead on the fact that: _holy shit,_ Sephiroth kidnapped Leon?

But still…

“Love of my life?” Cloud coughed.  “I…don’t know what you’re talking about. Uh.  Leon is…definitely not.  That.  At all.  Also, you’re only going to piss him off.” _He’s so hot when he’s pissed_ , Cloud thought with a sigh.   Sephiroth just shot him a look of complete and utter loathing.  Way more loathing than the disdain with which he’d said Leon’s name, and all felt right in Cloud’s world again.

“The _love of your life_ ,” Sephiroth reiterated, crossing his arms across his chest.  “I am willing to give him back, and continue our temporary ceasefire, on the condition that you meet me at my home in the Dark Depths in twenty minutes.  There, I will give you my terms. Or…else.”

Cloud furrowed his brow.  “Or else what?”

“Or else!” Sephiroth shouted, and then disappeared in a flurry of feathers. 

Cloud stared at the spot where Sephiroth had disappeared in total confusion.  That was…weird.  Weirder than normal, given Sephiroth’s baseline was generally pretty weird.  And why the hell would he go after Leon?  And even if Cloud did have feelings for Leon…how the hell would Sephiroth know?  It’s not like Leon had ever given him any indication that he returned them, or Cloud would have long ago eaten a good long bowl of Squall’s ice cream.  Or something. 

Cloud needed to get better at metaphors.  It was a work in progress.

His point was, he hadn’t ever gotten to…all of that.  Everything hidden under that army of belts that taunted him on a daily basis. 

And, damn it, he was horny again.  But Sephiroth had said twenty minutes or a vague ‘else’.  Did he have time to fix that?  Cloud pulled out his phone then glanced at the time.  He glanced back at his pants.  He thought about Leon.

“Damn it!” he scowled.  He’d have to take care of that later.  Leon’s life, unfortunately, took priority. 

It was a good thing Cloud knew where Sephiroth lived because he knocked on the door at twenty minutes on the dot.  Sephiroth swung it open dramatically and ushered him inside, down the hall, and into the living room.  Leon was tied to a chair, looking even more put out than usual, and Cloud’s confusion only grew.

“Hi,” Leon said flatly.  “I’d wave, but…clearly, I can’t.”  Good to know he was in good spirits, still. 

“What the hell is this, Sephiroth?” Cloud demanded, turning back around to face his crazier than usual darkness.  “And what do you want?”

“The reason I have brought you here today – brought you both here today – is because the both of you have been destroying my life, and I am putting an end to it!  Right now!”

“So…you’re…going to try to kill us?” Cloud ventured.  “Although, why didn’t you just kill Leon already?”

“Thanks, Cloud; very helpful,” Leon interjected snidely.  Cloud rolled his eyes.

“No, you idiot.  I’m not trying to kill you.  Clearly.  I called you here to give you my terms, and they are thus:  no one leaves here until you two have sex.”

“Wait; what?” That was Leon.

“What the fuck?” Cloud shouted at his darkness.  “No!  What is wrong with you?”  Of all the things he’d been expecting this hadn’t even been close to the list.  It hadn’t even existed on the same plane of reality. 

“What is wrong with me is – is you!  You’re the bane of my existence, Cloud!  You and your – your unrequited love for this man!  It’s ruining my life!”

Cloud closed his eyes.  He counted backward from ten.  He counted backwards from twenty.  He said fuck it, and counted backwards from one hundred.  He opened his eyes, not feeling the least bit better.  “Sephiroth,” he began very slowly, “my love life is none of your business.”

Except…gods, this was embarrassing.  In front of Leon, of all people!  How the hell did Sephiroth know?  Cloud’s whole face was on fire, and he was never, ever going to recover from this.  The pipedream in his mind, of he and Leon happily making out while bathed in the blood of their enemies, was slowly disappearing before his eyes. 

That was kind of a weird life dream.  He really needed to work on his violent tendencies sometimes, as Aerith was so fond of reminding him.  Well, that cat was out of the bag, now, so he might as well confess something here.

“Sorry,” he said to Leon.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but…I might have inadvertently caused this.  I do somewhat have feelings for you.”

Leon just shook his head.  “I know, you dumbass.”

Cloud froze.  “You – you know?”

“You _literally stalk me_ ,” Leon said, annoyed like it wasn’t the first time today he’d said those words.  And, okay, in hindsight maybe the stalking hadn’t been the most subtle of approaches. Leon was always telling him to lay off with it.  Maybe that “lay off” had been a secret message to “come get laid”?

No, Cloud was just a dumbass.

Sephiroth groaned.  “What is your problem?  Just do it already.  You want to.  He’s here.  Just have sex and be done with it.”

Cloud glanced back over at Leon, who was staring at him in a way like he didn’t actually think this was the worst idea and just – what was wrong with both of them?  Was there something in the water?  Leon shrugged at him, and Cloud’s whole countenance darkened. 

“Honest to Hades, what the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked his darkness, turning back to face him.

“Cloud,” Leon said, catching his attention again.  Cloud turned to frown at him, beckoning him to continue with his glance.  Leon shrugged again.  “Look, can we just do this and get it over with?”

Seriously?  He’d thought Leon would have had his back for once.  Especially with…with this of all things! 

Very flatly, he replied, “I will not be coerced into sex like this.”

“Seriously, Cloud?” Leon shouted at the same time Sephiroth cried, “Oh, my gods!”

“Not doing it.”

“That is not an acceptable answer!” Sephiroth roared.  His face was red, like a fuse had snapped inside him and he’d finally lost all control.  His wing puffed out angrily, fluttering nonstop behind him, and the tall man stormed over to tower over Cloud in a way that he imagined was supposed to be threatening.  “You will.  Do you know why you will?  Because, Cloud, in case you have forgotten:  you and I share a _connection_!  And it’s driving me crazy!  Do you know how many – how many of your boners I have gotten lately?  A lot!  At least five _just_ _today_!  All from thinking about – about him!”

Oh, holy hades, no.  This was a nightmare.  This was worse than the worst nightmare Cloud had ever had, as the full realization of what Sephiroth was saying hit him.  He chanced a glance at Leon, who was staring at Sephiroth with wide eyes, taking in what he was saying, and Cloud wanted to die.  He wanted the floor to swallow him whole, immediately.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t that lucky. 

“Your masturbatory habits are even worse!  You don’t even get off to sexy thoughts about him!”  Sephiroth turned to Leon.  “Today, he got himself off to the memory of you snapping at him!  Yesterday, it was you petting a dog!  Last week, it was something,” Sephiroth paused a second, remembering, and Cloud was dying, “actually, something really creative and way kinkier than I ever suspected or _needed to know_ that Cloud was into, so good luck with that!  It’s nonstop.  I can’t live my life.  I can’t do anything.  It’s just Squall Leonhart in my head, all day, every day, and you are to blame, Cloud! You!”  Sephiroth looked like he wanted to cry.  Cloud couldn’t feel a modicum of sympathy for him, not now.  Not when humiliation clogged his throat and his face was on fire, curse his pale skin. 

Leon cleared his throat, and they both turned to him.  Leon very carefully didn’t look at Cloud, instead facing Sephiroth.  “You do seem like you’ve been…struggling,” he began very diplomatically.  “But this seems like it’s between you and Cloud.”

“It’s your fault, too!  If you weren’t so fucking stubborn, you would’ve just told Cloud – because, Cloud, he already knows all this about you – that you want him, too!  You could’ve fixed this months ago!  You both brought me to this, and as such, neither of you are leaving here until you finally just – get it out of your systems!  So I am going to go outside, and I am going to give you an hour, and when I walk back in here, you two will have fucked or so help me gods, I will murder you both.  Is that understood?”

Cloud exchanged a long glance with Leon, who looked even more annoyed than Sephiroth, at this point.  “Okay.  Fine.  But we’re going to have a long talk about boundaries after this.”

“I don’t fucking care!” Sephiroth snapped, and stormed out the front door.  Now alone, Cloud turned to Leon. 

“Are you gonna untie me or what?”

Cloud thought about it.  He thought about it some more.  “Or what,” he answered as he gave in to Sephiroth’s ransom demand. 

Leon…didn’t seem to mind.

~~~

Sephiroth lay in bed that night, finally at peace with the world.  He’d had to scrub his house down three times just to make sure it was clean afterwards, but it was worth the sacrifice.  He’d had peace all afternoon for the first time in longer than he could remember.  And now, it was finally time to sleep.  He closed his eyes, relaxing, and – whoosh, an unexpected flood of familiar heat, and there was another uncomfortable feeling between his legs.

“Oh, gods, no,” he whimpered to himself.  In his mind – not memories, no.  Flashes of Cloud’s mind, of Leon’s nicely sculpted chest and ass and – they were having sex.  Right now.  Sephiroth shoved it out of his mind as best he could.  They couldn’t last too long, right?  The human body had limits.  It would still be better than what Cloud was doing before.  Once, and done.

Five hours later, with the sun dawning, Sephiroth was curled up in his bed crying.  They were still fucking.  Still going at it.  They weren’t stopping.  They weren’t going to stop any time soon, if the even more blatant mental pictures going through his mind were anything to base off.  Was Cloud doing this on purpose now?  Sephiroth didn’t know.  He just knew one thing.

He had greatly miscalculated.  

“I should’ve just killed him!” he shouted to the sky.  The only response he got was Cloud’s way too embarrassing to be repeated dirty talk running through his mind, and Leon’s equally embarrassing but much sappier – who knew he was a sap? – response.

Sephiroth hated his life.

End.

**Author's Note:**

> So, seems the first two days are fitting a kidnapping theme, but in my defense, this fic has been sitting half finished on my computer for longer than I've had this computer. It just worked really well for today's theme.


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